Of Ogres & Wolverines
by xmfan
Summary: Logan has always been a loner, and he prefers to stay that way. But what'll he do when an elf, a princess, an ethnic-cleansing helmet man and a whole mess of unwanted company turn his world upside-down? This is an X-Men Evo parody of Shrek!
1. Swamp Days

Hi y'all. I'm baaaaaack! And I'm here with another parody. Yup. Ain't got no stinkin' guts to write somethin' original. But I'll get to it . . . _eventually_. (_ahem)_ Anyway, hope you like. Remember, this is a parody & all the match-ups here aren't official. So if you hate it and want to go write your own version that's perfectly fine. But I'll still think mine's better. MWAHAHAHA!!!! Whoa, need to cut down on the sugar.

**Disclaimer: Come on, people. Let's just think about this. Why would I be here if I owned this frickin' series? None of these characters belong to me! They belong to their genius creators Marvel & Dreamworks. Okay!!! Ya happy?!?!?! Aaaarrrggghh!!!!!!!**

**Okay, enough of this crap. Onto da fic! dun dada daaaaaa!**

**(A/n: BTW, thoughts/character narration (which will only be in this chapter)/singing will be in italics _like this..._**

**Spoken dialogue with be written "like this"...**

**Okay? Then let's go!**

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Chapter 1 – The Beginning (sue me I couldn't think of a better name!)

Okay, I'm changing that title.

Chapter 1 – Swamp Days (much better; please don't sue me)

The scene opens with a light shining down on a leather covered story book. Unfortunately we cannot say if it was really leather or where it was imported from. But if anyone cared, we'd keep talking about it anyway.

The book magically opens by itself. The first two pages there are a castle and a princess.

_Once upon a time, in a far off land, there lived a beautiful princess._

The page turns again, this time with pictures of the same princess and a cup with some kind of reptile. Lizard, mini dragon, who knows?

_But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss._

The next page reveals another more ugly castle and a huge dragon.

_She was locked away in a tower, guarded by a terrible fire breathing dragon._

Beep (J/k) Next there is that ugly fire breathing dragon again and a bunch of no-name knights throwing their pathetic little sticks with pointy ends at it, the _morons_.

_Many brave knights (hehe) attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. (Hehe)_

The page once more turns with a picture of the princess lying on a bed like in 'Sleeping Beauty' and a picture of a knight kneeling and holding a bundle of roses (without any of them being burnt).

_She waited in the dragon's keep, in the highest room in the tallest tower, for her true love. . . and true love's first kiss._

The page with the knight is torn out of the book and the book is closed.

_Haha! Yeah, like THAT'S ever gonna happen! What a load of. . ._

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From outside a very small outhouse, laughter could be heard.

"Haha! Yeah, like THAT'S ever gonna happen! What a load of. . ."

Next came the sound of flushing, then the opening of the door. Logan stepped out feeling refreshed and ready for his usual morning routine. After, of course, he shook off the piece of toilet paper stuck to his foot.

_Somebody once told me _

_the world was gonna roll me;_

_I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed._

After finally relieving himself of the paper, Logan looked up and took in the homey view of his grounds. His house was made from the hollow inside of a giant tree stump, which grew right in the middle of some God-forbidden swamp.

_She was lookin' kinda dumb_

_with her finger and her thumb_

_in the shape of an 'L'_

_on her forehead._

While taking in the view, Logan let out a deep sigh of satisfaction, then picked up a bucket and went to work.

_Well, the years start comin'_

_and they don't stop comin'._

_Fed t' the rules and I hit the ground runnin'._

_Don't never make sense to live full fun –_

_You're brain gets smart_

_butcha head gets dumb._

_So much ta do,_

_So much ta see,_

_So what's wrong with taking the backstreets?_

_You'll never know if you don't go;_

_you'll never shine if you don't glow. . ._

He always enjoyed getting ready in the morning. He first went to his special place by one of the roots of his tree stump where he took his ritual mud bath. Or rather, mud shower. He only wore a blue t-shirt and a pair of jeans, so it didn't take him long to shed his clothes and get under the stream of mud he collected in the bucket. His rinsed his mouth once with the mud just before he finished. After that, he went to his mirror with his towel wrapped around his waist and brushed his teeth with. . .

. . .well, let's just say it ain't Crest or Colgate he's got out there. More like Beetles and Dragonflies.

Understandably, when Logan paused to look at himself in the mirror with his 'toothpaste' still in his mouth, the mirror shattered.

_Hey now!_

_You're an all-star!_

_Getcha game on, go play._

_Hey now!_

_You're a rock star!_

_Get the show on, get paid._

_All that glitters is gold!_

_Only shootin' sta-ars_

_break the mo-wold!_

After brushing, Logan always took a dip in his lake where many of the swamps stenches originated from. Of course he really couldn't help it if he had to release bodily gases that caused the fish to die, leaving the foul odor behind. Well, at least he was still able to use the fish later on for dinner.

_It's a cool place_

_and they say it gets colder._

_You're bundled up now _

_but wait till you get older._

_But the meteor men beg t' differ,_

_judgin' by the hole in the satellite picture._

_The ice we skate _

_is getting' pretty thin_

_the water's getting' warm_

_so you might as well swim._

_My world's on fire, how 'bout yours?_

_That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored!_

When all personal hygiene routines had been completed, Logan first enjoyed looking for and catching slugs. Especially really big slimy ones that he had to push out of logs. It was his way of finding dinner and a great source of exercise. And of course he always managed to squeeze in some time for his creative side. He spent some time by the lake painting a picture with oils he collected from plants around the swamp. After painstakingly perfecting his masterpiece, Logan finally put down his brushes and adored his work. He then planted it in the yard in front of his house.

His painting? A picture of a wolf man with the words "Beware of Wolverine" written at the bottom. It accompanied the other signs he had also made.

_Hey now!_

_You're an all-star!_

_Getcha game on, go play._

_Hey now!_

_You're a rock star!_

_Get the show on, get paid._

_All that glitters is gold!_

_Only shootin' sta-ars_

_break the mo-wold!_

Later that night a group of men from one of the villages near the swamp became very annoyed with the existence of the Wolverine. He simply had to be done away with. They assembled for a meeting to plan their attack on the Wolverine's house. When the plan was set, they all grabbed their torches and pitchforks.

As the men gathered their weapons, Logan was enjoying a nice meal consisting of the creatures he had caught that day. He was completely oblivious to what force was approaching his home.

The angry villagers ran across the country with their flame and their metal. Of course, most of it was in their hands and not in their guts.

The villagers continued to approach. But Logan, in his own cool way, remained unaware and unconcerned as he swallowed an entire fish.

The villagers came closers, knocking and running over his warning signs with all their rage and none of their brains.

Now the villagers' hollering and screaming could be heard very distinctly by Logan. He was lounging back in his chair when he had heard the war cries. Like one rudely awakened from a peaceful nap, he got up from his chair and walked over to his window. Looking outside, he quickly spotted the oncoming mob. Shaking it off with a shrug, he walked away from the window.

The villagers had now come to a trot as they approached the stump hut. Unbeknownst to them though was that their prey was in fact behind them.

_All that glitters is gold!_

_Only shootin' sta-ars_

_break the mo-wold!_

The group finally stopped at the edge of the reeds. The man in front, a blond jockey, parted the reeds and got a good look at the hut. The light was still on inside.

"Ya think he's in there?" asked one of the jockeys standing next to the blond.

The blond ignored his question. He stood up and prepared to charge. "All right, let's get it!!"

But before he could go, a villager named Spears put an arm out to stop. "Whoa whoa, Duncan, do you know what that thing can do to you?"

"Yeah," concurred another one of Duncan's friends nervously. "He'll grind your bones for his bread!"

Suddenly, a haughty laugh came from behind them. When they turned, they saw a creature who looked like a man dressed in jeans, a shirt and a black leather jacket standing over them on a large bolder. His adamantium claws were out and exposed. The light of the torches reflected with a bright flash off them.

"Actually," said the clawed man, "that would be a Juggernaut."

The villagers cried out in surprise and fright as the man jumped down from the rock and began stalking towards them. Although he was quite short, he still was none the less terrifying, especially the fire lighted his face at certain angle for an even scarier appearance.

"Now Wolverines, oh, their _much_ worse. They'll. . . make a suit from your freshly peeled shin." He lifted his claws as he said it.

"No!" cried one villager in terror.

"They'll _shave_ your liver, squeezed the _jelly_ from your _eyes_. . . actually it's quite good on toast."

Duncan had had enough. He finally got the courage, or the stupidity, to jump in front of Logan and wave a torch in his face. "Back! Back you freak! I'm warnin' ya!"

Logan stared at the torch for a second, then licked his hand and put it on the flame. The flame immediately went out. The villagers gasped.

Duncan, now realizing his situation, dropped the torch and looked at him. "Right." He said nervously with a smile.

For a moment, Logan smirked. Then he bared his teeth a let out a terrifying roar. Okay, not really a roar. More like an extremely fierce growl. Or a howl. Yeah, something like that.

His howl blew out all of the torches, not to mention all the saliva he 'blew out' from his mouth that landed on the faces of the villagers.

When Logan was finally through, he wiped his mouth and watched the villagers scream until they realized he had stopped howling. They just stood there, staring at one another. Then Logan leaned in and whispered, "This is the part where you run away."

The villagers let out a short cry, then bolted out of the swamp, running as fast as their legs could carry them.

Logan threw back his head and laughed at their pathetic fear. "And stay out!" he shouted. He happened to look down, seeing the weapons that the intruders left behind, when he saw a poster with a picture of some frog-faced creature. He picked it up and took a closer look.

"Wanted: Mutants & other strange Creatures?" he read allowed.

He looked up towards where the villagers had fled. Then he tossed the poster aside. He had had enough trouble already dealing with these wimpy humans who thought they were so tough. These intrusions happened all the time, and it was _really_ bugging him.

_But trying to capture every mutant in the world? Who's powerful enough to do that?_ The thoughts bounced around in his mind as he retired to his abode. As he went to bed, he came to a conclusion.

_It's all bogus. No one can possibly capture every single mutant. Where would they go, and who would even bother going through the trouble? Either way, they ain't gonna mess with me. _His confidence was assured as he drifted off to sleep.

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**So, whaddya think so far? Good? Bad? Suggestions? Comments? Questions? Flames? Okay, maybe not flames. Haven't gotten that far yet. Next: "That's right, fool! Now I'm a _flying_ teleporting elf!"**

**See ya soon!!**


	2. Whose Bright Idea Was This?

Wow! Thanks for the reviews! You guys are great! If you would like to see my individual responses to each of you, check out the reviews column. I'm just gonna give this routine a try and see how it goes, okey-dokey? Alrighty, then, to da fic!!

Man, I hate this format. Why did have to screw everthing up?! AAAAAAAAHHHHH!

Disclaimer: I said it before, and I'll say it again: last time I checked Marvel owned X-Men Evo, not me. And Dreamworks owns the storyline for Shrek too. And for Shrek 2. Hehe. Ahem, anyway, enough of this! Onward! Forward! Read & Review!!!

**Chapter 2 – Whose Bright Idea Was This?**

"Alright, get a move on!"

Out in the middle of the woods, the agents of Hydra had their hands full with checking in, locking up, and sending out mutants who had been brought in by their traitorous human friends. (Humans. You just can't trust them!)

At the head of the operation was Trask, who was given the duty of checking off each mutant and how much money each traitorous human would earn. Just at that moment, he was dealing with an elderly lady in a long flowing cape. The agents aiding Trask had just put her in chains and taken away her broomstick. The agent who had taken her broom broke it in half.

"You're flying days are over, Agatha Harkness!" he snarled.

"That's twenty pieces of silver for the witch," said Trask, handing the woman who had turn Agatha in a bag full of coins. The woman smiled and walked away. Once she was safely out of sight, her formed changed to that of a scaly blue woman. "Oh, Mystique, you're the real witch. But who cares? Now I can go buy that pair of shoes I've always wanted!"

"Whose next?" called Trask over the enormously long line that had formed in front of his table. Not too far from the front of the line was another elderly woman, leading an elfish-looking boy with blue fur. His hands were tied up and she was holding the end of the rope. As they waited, the boy looked around nervously. Everywhere innocent mutants were being locked up. He even saw a group of grayish-blue apes, one of which, the papa, looked like Beast. Okay, he _was_ Beast, with a wife and a kid that looked like him. Each family member was in a separate cage, and the kid started to cry. "This cage is too small!"

The elf boy looked pleadingly to his guardian. "Oh, _please_ don't do zhis! I'll never be stubborn again. I can change! Please give me anozer chance!!!"

The woman had been putting up with his whining and chatting for far too long. Now she had the chance to be rid of him. And she wasn't about that chance slip away.

"Oh shut up!" she snapped, threatening to smack him. The elf could only whimper.

"Next!" called Trask. "Whaddof you got?"

The line moved up, and a man with a teenage boy approached.

"This boy can make spikes grow out of his body," stated the man.

"I'm not a mutant!" cried the teen in defiance. "I'm a real boy!"

Just then, a hundred spikes grew out of his head, arms, and chest. Trask raised an eyebrow, pushing one of the spikes away from him. "Five shillings for the porcupine. Take him away."

"Oh no please!" cried the teen again. "Don't let them do this father! Help me!!"

The father simply took the money and walked away.

"Next! Whaddof ya got?"

The elf and the old woman were next in line.

"Well," said the woman, "I've got an elf!" With a quick jerk, she yanked the boy forward, causing him to look away from where the boy was taken.

"Hmmm," pondered Trask. "You know, technically elves are not mutants. They are a separate race. The fairytale patrol takes care of them. What makes this elf so different?"

"Just look at him!" cried the woman. "He has blue fur and looks like a demon!"

"Then how do you know he's not a demon?"

"He can also teleport!"

Trask considered this last fact for a moment, then said, "Well, I can give you ten shillings . . . if you can prove that he can teleport."

The woman quickly took the rope cuffs off the blue boy. "Go ahead little fella," she said in her sweetest tone.

_Oh, ya! Like I'm goin' to fall for zhat!_

The boy didn't move.

After several seconds of staring at him, Trask was beginning to grow impatient. "Well?"

The woman looked at him nervously. "Oh . . he, uh . . he's just a little nervous. He does it all the time." The she turned to him and hissed, "Teleport to fuzz-brained elf freak!"

Trask couldn't wait anymore. The line had to keep moving and unless the woman proved this creature could teleport and was in fact a mutant, he couldn't take him in. "That's it," he said flaty, "I've heard enough. Guards!"

The guards began to go forward when the woman tried to stop them.

"He really _is_ a mutant! He is!" Her mind raced as she tried to find some way to prove she was right. Then an idea hit her. "Boo!" she cried, getting into his face. "Hiya! Hicka bicka boo! Pow! Shazam!"

The elf just stared at her like she had gone nuts. He still wasn't teleporting.

After a moment, Trask ordered, "Get her out of my sight!"

The woman continued to insist that the elf was in fact a mutant, but the guards wouldn't listen. She started to kick and struggle, in the process accidentally kicking a bucket out of the hands of a man with wings. The bucket flew through the air and came crashing down on the elf. The elf saw the bucket coming toward him and tried to teleport away. Unfortunately, his reflexes were too slow and ended up teleporting after the bucket hit him on the head. The bucket had been filled with some kind of yellow dust, and when he teleported he took some with him. It was only after he teleported though that he noticed he was floating off the ground.

"Hey! Cried the boy, just realizing what was happening. "I can fly!"

"He can fly!" cried the Angel.

"He can fly!!" cried the three little Blobs.

Trask was staring at him too. "He can _teleport_!!!"

The elf boy laughed. "That's right, fool! Now I'm a _flying_ teleporting elf! You may have seen a house fly. Maybe even a Super fly; but I better you have never seen . . an _elf_ fly!!"

Just then, the yellow dust disappeared. "Uh-oh," he mumbled just before he hit the ground.

"Seize him!" yelled Trask. All at once the elf was surrounded by agents, all of them diving at once at him. He managed to teleport away more quickly this time, avoiding all the oncoming attacks. He reappeared some few feet away and took off into the forest as fast as he could. He ran blindly forward, continuously looking back to see if he was being followed. _Man, zis had not been my day! How can it get any vorse?_

Just then, he ran into something.

Or rather, someone. _Oh, please don't be a guard, please don't be a guard, please don't be a . . ._

It wasn't a guard.

It was a Wolverine.

**Sorry, I just feel like leaving this as a cliffhanger for now. I know, I'm soooooo evil!!! MWAHAHAHAHAH (cough)(cough)(cough)** **Whoa. Well, please read & review, or you'll never know how it turns out! BWAHAHAHA!!! Okay, you actually do know how it turns out, but just let me have my moment of glory. See ya soon! **


	3. Whose Bright Idea Was This? PART TWO

Whoa, sorry it took me soooo long to update. It's been a little crazy for me lately, but here I am! I want to give a HUGE thanks to all my reviewers, including aria28, baneofJean, The Uncanny R-Man, ldypebsaby, The White Dwarf, todd fan, Ruby Fan and Sotsumi.

**THANKS! - **My special notes for ya are in the review section. Let me know if you like this better, pwease? I don't want it to be hard for anybody, so feel free to let me know.

Now, to da fic!!!

Oh yeah.

**Disclaimer: Does this ever feel like a broken record? You try to get beyond it, but it just happens again and again and again and again and again and again and. . . any of ya asleep? No? Good. This ain't mine, it belongs to those I do not know. . . oh yeah, and they work at Marvel & Dreamworks. :( **

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**Chapter 3 – Whose Bright Idea Was This? Part TWO**

The blue boy looked up with fearful eyes at the thug- ahem- guy he bumped into. The man turned around, his dark brown gaze pinned on the intruder. The boy was frozen for a moment, not quite knowing what to do.

_Boy, zhey aren't kidding vhen zhey say, "Be careful vhat you vish for!"_

But when he heard the agents and guards catching up to him, he was able to make a decision:

Risk it with the shady dude and possibly be throttled later than risk the agents you know are bad news and get locked up for torture now for sure. Good judgment, huh?

The boy quickly jumped behind the stranger. And just in the nick of time.

Trask and his men didn't notice the Wolverine until they were just a few feet away. And it was only after he looked at the hairy mutant in disgust that he saw the blue mutant hiding behind him.

_Oh great._

After giving a nervous glance towards his agents, he called out, "You there! Wolverine!"

"Yeah?" The Wolverine answered in his crude tone marked with slight insolence.

Trask held up a scroll with a giant 'M' on the back. He held it up to read as well as some kind of shield as the mutant approached. Although this mutant's kind wasn't tall, it was still very fearful. Behind him the agents were also looking extremely nervous.

"By the order of Lord Magneto," read Trask, "I am authorized to place you two arrest and. . ." He paused slightly as the mutant drew closer. ". .relocate you to a. . .resettlement. . ." Now the mutant was practically in his face. ". .facility," he finished in a high voice.

"Oh really?" asked the Wolverine in a gruff tone. Then he gave a sly smile. "You and what army?"

Trask looked behind him, only to see that his group was now gone, having abandoned all of their equipment and weapons.

The other mutant, who had followed the Wolverine when he sought to intimidate the agents and their leader (but still keeping behind him), looked up at his protector with a smile of admiration.

Trask, on the other hand, looked back at the mutants, screamed like a girl, and took off in the direction the other wuss—um, I mean agents, fled.

As they watched the last of the human bullies flee the scene, Logan shook his head in disgust. _Pff. These punks are all the same. See somethin' they can't handle and run fer their lives. It's really sickening._

He turned to walk away while the elf boy still watched where the agents had disappeared, still chuckling to himself. When he notice the other mutant walking away, though, he immediately decided to catch up.

"Hey, can I say somezhing to ya?" said the boy as he bounded up beside Logan. At first Logan thought it would be best to ignore him. But, of course, he would be proven wrong. Many times.

"Listen, you vere _really_ really somezhing back zhere! Increadible!!" His voice and tone were filled with enthusiasm, and his constantly moving from on side of Logan to the other while Logan kept attempting to keep track with his eyes further proved it. With a groan, Logan turned and said, "Are you talkin' to-"

But all he saw was a puff of cloud and some acrid smoke lingering in the air. "- me?" he finished, then slowly turned to face forwards. _Hope he's really gone._ Again, WRONG.

Logan nearly jumped two feet when he saw the blue boy pop up in front of him. "Yes I vas talkin' to you. Let me just say you vere great back zhere I mean zhose guards! They zhought zhey vas all that. Then you showed up and BAM! Zhey vere trippin' over zhemselves like babes in zhe voods! Haha, zhat really made me feel good to see zhat!"

Logan did his best to keep up with the boy's chatter. He never seemed to run out of breath. _Oh man, why didn't I just leave him for the human scum? _"Oh that's great!" he answered, his enthusiasm outlined with sarcasm. "_Really_."

"Man it's good to be free!" the boy cried, his German accent ever rich with excitement. Logan was pretty sure he had had enough of it. He turned to the elf and said, "Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? _Hmm_?" He stressed on the 'hmm' part to get the point across.

The boy stopped as the Wolverine began to walk away. He usually wasn't very good at taking hints. So he merely replied, "But uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm _not_ going out zhere by myself." Then a pause. "Hey vait a minute I got a great idea! I'll stick vith you!"

He bounded up to the Wolverine again, excitedly yapping off again. "You're a lean, mean, fighting machine. Together ve can scare zhe spit out of anyvone who crosses us!"

All right, having this little blue nuscance follow him everywhere he went was one thing, but to Logan, having this kid acting like he needed help scaring off people was just ridiculous. So he decided to give him an example of how he didn't need the kid's help.

He turned, took a deep breath, and roared into the boy's face as loud and as fiercely as he could. The boy looked at him wide-eyed.

After Logan was done, he watched to see the boy's reaction, hoping it was enough to scare him away. The boy stared at him and said, "Vow! Zhat vas _really_ scary!"

_What?!_ Logan really couldn't believe it. _How could he have not been afraid of that._ Now his pride was injured, so he began to walk away in a huff. But the boy didn't stop talking. "And if zhat von't do it your breath vill surely get the job done cuz, you definitely need some tictac or somezhing cuz your breath STINKS!"

Logan became deeply moody now and tried to get away from the fuzzy blue pest. Suddenly, the said pest teleported in front of him on a log hanging horizontally in front him, hanging upside down. "You know, I zhink I've had von of zhose just like zhe time-"

Logan quickly covered his mouth. It muffled the words but it didn't stop him from talking. Logan could not believe it. Then he let go of his mouth, still talking. Now Logan _really_ could not believe it. "- and zhen I ate some rotten berries. Man zhere vas some strong gases eeking out of my butt zhat day!"

"WHY. . . are you _following_ me!?" cried Logan at last, then started walking away again. The boy propped himself up so he looked down at the Wolverine. "Vell I'll tell you vhy." He then jumped down and began to sing.

"_Cuz I'm all alone,_

_zhere nobody here besides me-"_

He was now standing in front of the Wolverine, who was groaning and staring at him, his left eye beginning to twitch.

"_My troubles have all gone,_

_zhere novon to derive me-e!"_

"_Butcha gotta have frie-e-ends-"_

"STOP SINGING!" Logan picked up the elf boy, one hand by his hair, the other hand by his tail, turned a bit, and plopped him down not too gently. "Well it's no wonder you don't have any friends!!!"

The boy stood up again. "Vow, only a true friend would be zhat truly honest!" He _really_ couldn't take a hint.

"Listen, elf boy, take a look at me! What am I?!"

The boy looked the wolf man up and down a moment. "Really buff?"

"NO. I'm a WOLVERINE. You know, "grab your torch and pitchforks!" Doesn't that _bother_ you?" The mutant was clearly tired from all of this hinting and explaining.

With a wide smile, the boy answered, "Nope."

The other mutant looked at him in surprise. He raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

"Really really!"

"Oh."

"Man, I like you. Vhat's your name?"

The man hesitated at first. "Uh. . . Logan."

The boy gave him a weird look. "_Logan_? Vell, my name's Kurt! You know vhat I like about you Logan? You've got that 'I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-about-me kinda thing. I like zhat, I respect zhat. You're all right."

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Together, Logan and Kurt made their way over the hill where, down below, lay what to Kurt looked like a waste pit filled with all kinds of unpleasant creatures and smells. However, it just turned out to be a swamp. But the fact left Kurt no less repelled by it.

"Whew, look at _zhat_! Who vould live in a place like _zhat_?"

Logan placed his fists on his hips and stared down at the fuzzy elf. "_That_," he answered, "would be my home."

Kurt's expression immediately relaxed in realizing his boldness as well as his stupidity. (Amazing, he _just_ realized it.) But he quickly came back with a mouthful of compliments.

"Oh and it is _lo-ve-ly_! Just beautiful! You know you are quite a decorator it's amazing vhat you can do viz such a modest budget!" Logan just ignored him further as the descended the hill, but Kurt was determined to make it up to him. He spotted a large random boulder next to him. "I like zat boulder. Zhat is a _nice_ boulder!"

When they finally reached the bottom and Kurt followed Logan to his dwelling, the elf boy took note of the "Go Away" and "Beware of Wolverine" signs planted in the yard. "I guess you – uh – don't entertain much, do you?"

"I like my privacy," replied Logan flatly, glancing over his shoulder for a second.

"You know I do too. Zhat's anozher zhing ve have in common! Like when you have somevon in you face, you're trying to give zhem a hint and zhey von't leave. And zhen zhere's zhat big awkward silence, you know?"

Logan turned away from his door and stared at him. Kurt looked down, realizing that this was the awkward silence.

He suddenly looked up again. "Can I stay vith you?"

Logan couldn't believe this guy, _still_. He was so random and talkative. _Way_ too talkative. "W-what?" he stuttered.

"Can I stay vith you. . ." he put on his most adorable face. ". . . _please_?"

After a pause, Logan said, "Of course!"

"Really?"

"No."

"Please!!!" cried Kurt as Logan began to turn away again. He desperately jumped on Logan's chest when the poor fool decided to look back, holding onto his shirt collar. (Yes, I do mean Logan. That poor _poor_ fool.)

"I can't go back out zhere! You don't know vhat it's like being considered a freak!"

A pause.

"Vell . . . maybe. . . you do . . but zhat's vhy ve gotta stick togezer! You gotta let me stay! Please!! PLEASE!!!"

"OKAY, okay," cried Logan, no longer able to withstand Kurt's pitiful antics. He waited for Kurt to get off his chest before opening the door. "But one night only-"

Kurt immediately dashed in. "OH BOY!"

_Oh crap!_ Logan tried to stop Kurt, but the elf was too fast. "Wait! No! Not in ther-"

"Oh man, zhis is gonna be great!" cried Kurt as he jumped up into Logan's big comfy chair. "Ve can stay up late, share some manly stories, and in zhe morning – I'm making _vaffles_!"

"Grrrr!" was all Logan could say.

After looking around a moment, Kurt said, "So, uh . . . vhere do – I sleep?"

"Outside!"

The elf's face immediately dropped. He went from extremely happy to extremely depressed. "Oh, vell, I guess zhat's cool," he said quietly, looking down at his feet. "I mean, you don't know me and I don't know you so, outside is best, you know?"

Sniffling a little, he jumped off the chair and walked out the door, Logan's eyes staring down at him unmercifully. He was the last person to ever fall for the demon-boy's guilt trip. Or so Logan thought with every confidence he had.

"Goodnight," murmured Kurt, almost on the edge of crying. Logan slammed the door behind him. The boy only sighed.

Logan was about to walk away from the door when he heard that voice talking again – the same voice he had been listening to for the past twenty minutes straight. "I mean I just love the outdoors – I vas _born_ outdoors. So I guess I'll just be by myself outside. By myself outside." Another sob. "_I'm all alone . . . zhere's nobody here besides me . . ."_

_Great. Now that kid's gonna talk even when nobody's around? Seriously, if nothing else, he will be the death of me._ Logan thought this as he growled for the umpth time and turned away.

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His dinner was all laid out. Everything was perfect. From the appetizers of caterpillars, bugs and maggots, an entrée of giant slug, to swamp water martini with a slug eye for a little more flavor, there seemed nothing wrong with it.

So why did Logan feel so . . . nah, he couldn't feel _guilt_, could he?

But still, something gnawed at him, ever so slightly. He tried to shake it off as best as he could. _Come on. Why on earth would you feel guilty for the elf sleeping outside? This is my home and my home only. Besides, that guy nearly drove me insane today. It's better not to get attached so things can return to normal as quickly as possible._

Yeah, that's how he would think about it. He began to feel much better. After giving the dinner table another look over before feasting, he realized exactly what he needed to make it even more special. He walked over to a desk on the far side of the room, opened the drawer in front, and selected one of his homemade candles. (He made them by collecting his earwax on long pieces of string.)

He plastered the bottom of it to a wooden block, placed the candle on the table, fired up a match and lit it. Then Logan finally sat down and began to dig in.

Outside, Kurt watched his new 'friend' eating inside the house. It didn't make Kurt sad because he was so hungry and wished he had a dinner to eat and a house in which to keep warm. He did want those things, but even more, he wished he could be in the presence of the only 'friend' he ever had. He walked away from the window and took a seat in front of the door, hugging his knees and placing his chin on top of them.

Logan continued to enjoy his meal, when suddenly he heard a creaking sound, followed by the sound of movement inside the house. Logan growled and put down his fork, thinking Kurt was trying to sneak in through the door. "I thought I told you to stay outside!" he snapped.

"I am outside!" answered Kurt, poking his head in through the window from the outside.

_Then what was –_

He heard more sounds, and saw not one but at least three shadows cast on the wall. On instinct, Logan popped out his claws and began sniffing around. _Hmm, well, it's not anybody I recognize. It doesn't smell human either. Well, not exactly human._

He looked under the table for a moment. When he looked up again, though, he was in for a surprise.

Three women, who were about six inches tall and wearing dark glasses and carrying walking sticks, were wandering around on top of the table. "Well ladies," said one, "it's a long cry from a little house in Mississippi, but what choice do we have?" Suddenly, she tripped over a spoon. "Oof! Didn't see _that_ coming."

"It's not home," said another, "but it'll do just fine."

The third one had found Logan's giant slug and sat down on it. "What a lovely bed!"

Logan grabbed for her. "Gotcha!" But he didn't. He looked into his hand and the little woman wasn't there.

In fact, she had somehow managed to get on his shoulder. She sniffed his ear. "Hey, I think I found the cheese in my vision!" She took a bite, causing Logan to howl in pain. He swiped for her, but she unwittingly escaped to the other shoulder. "Blah! Awful stuff!"

Now the woman jumped down, landing on the handle end of the fork Logan had been eating with a moment ago. And it still had food on it. At least, until it flew into Logan's eye, causing him to howl again.

"Is that you, Irene?" said the first woman to the woman who had landed on the spoon.

"How did you know?!"

"Enough!" yelled Logan as he picked up all the women into his hand. "What are you doing in my house?"

Suddenly, there was another interruption. Something very large and heavy had knocked into Logan's shoulder, causing him to drop the third blind women. "Hey!" he shouted, and realized with horror who his company was.

It was the seven Morlocks with a brown haired girl in a coffin, with said coffin resting on the table. The Morlocks looked anxiously at Logan.

"Oh, no, no, no! Dead broad _off_ the table!" Logan began to push the coffin away.

"Where are we supposed to put her?" asked on of the Morlocks, Lucid. "The bed's taken!" He pushed the coffin back.

Logan was about to retaliate when what Lucid said registered into his mind. "Huh?"

He quickly went into his room, horrified by what he saw.

Mystique was in his bed. (Just pause and stare at this for a second. -)

She was just as shocked to see him and quickly took on the disguise of a sickly old hag. "What? Don't you recognize you dear old grandmother?"

Logan went over and grabbed Mystique by the neck, forcing her to change back to herself. As the Morlocks watched in fear, he dragged the blue skinned whore- _I mean woman_ to his door. "Look, I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying Wolverine!" He knocked the door open. "What do I have to do to get a little privacy!?!"

With that, he threw Mystique out the door. But that wasn't the end of it. OH NO. It was _far_ from the end.

Logan's eyes widened in even greater horror than when he found Mystique in his bed. (and _that's_ pretty scary!)

His entire swamp was filled with every imaginable mutant superhero or heroes with unusual powers from different worlds. Even members of the Justice League and the Teen Titans were there along with almost every marvel character with superpowers.

Telepaths, telekinetics, witches, sorcerers and sorceresses, aliens, people who could fly, create sonic booms, cause earthquakes, control fire and water, the list went on and on. But all Logan could think was, "No no no no NO NO NO!"

He couldn't believe it. They were everywhere! They were everywhere _in his swamp_! It was just unconceivable. How could it be possible? Why were they even there?!

So, being in the situation he was in, Logan handled the situation like any sensible respectable Wolverine would.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY SWAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMPPPPP!?!?!?!?!?!"

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**Well, there it is. For now. Man I have _got_ to do better updating. I know. now I'm repeating myself. Sorry I didn't get to squeeze in Farquad and Fiona in this chappie, but definitely in the next one! You can count on it! And if the chaps are too long, let me know and I'll try and cut them down! Thanks for reviewin' y'all! Goodnight and drive safely! **


	4. It Was HIS Idea!

I'm just gonna keep rolling along here. Hmm, have I said that somewhere else before? Oh well, déjà vu can be really annoying. Then, I guess, so would this parody. O.o Okay I'll shut up. Thank you all for reviewing! You are very awesome!!!!! This next chapter is dedicated to you.

**Disclaimer: People, did we take stupid pills this morning? I ain't gonna claim somethin's mine when I am majorly at risk of losing all my money! And I don't have a lot! Okay!??!?**

**Okay, in laymen's terms that would be: GET OFF MY CASE I DON"T OWN ANYTHING HERE, NOT EVEN THE FRICKIN' STORYLINE!!!!!!!**

**Hope you enjoy. (eyes glow red while looking at the staff of , Marvel & Dreamworks)**

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**Chapter 4 – Revelation**

...**okay that's stupid let's try something else...**

**Chapter 4 – It Was HIS Idea! (much better)**

**-**

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY SWAAAAAAAAAAAMP?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"

-

Logan's voice echoed to every corner of the swamp, causing everyone to turn towards him. And immediately, they were terrified.

-

_Okay, it was one thing to send us all here, but no one said anything about having _that_ guy as our landlord!!!_

_-_

Several of the witches and other flying beings went into hiding inside their tents. Many who were standing in line for a bowl of porridge dropped their bowls when they saw that hunking (yes, hunking) mass of pure rage and pure adamantium hollering at the top of his lungs. Others merely tried to get as far away from the big bad Wolverine as possible.

-

And Logan was only too happy. In fact, he wanted everyone to get as far away from him as possible, including out of his swamp. So he began urging them away.

-

"Okay, get out of here, all of ya! C'mon, hurry up!" His efforts weren't doing much though. While the other mutants moved away, they didn't leave. In fact, some of them even dodged past him to get inside. "Oh no no no no!" he cried when he realized their objective. "Not in there! Get out, get out!"

-

The group slammed the door shut just as he was about the reach them, in the meantime abandoning one of the pixies so it smashed into the door and fell to the ground unconscious. Logan furiously shook the knob, only to acknowledge that it was locked. He let out a deep growl and turned eyes filled with dark rage and impatience to Kurt.

-

Kurt looked around and back at him with innocence. "Hey, don't look at me! _I_ didn't invite zhem!"

-

Evan, the mutant boy who had spikes growing out of him, stood next to Kurt. "Well gosh, nobody _invited_ us!" he pointed out, as if it was obvious.

-

"What?!" cried Logan.

-

Evan quickly backed off but continued to explain. "We were forced to come here."

-

"By who?!?"

-

"Lord Magneto!" cried one of the three little Blobs. "He huffed and he puffed and he. . . signed an eviction notice."

-

Logan let out another deep growl. Man, this was just not his day. "Alright," he finally groaned. "Who can tell me where this . . . _Magneto_ guy is?"

-

Kurt looked around for a second, then shouted, "Oh, I do! I know vhere he is!"

-

Logan growled at him. "Does anyone _else_ know where to find him?"

-

At first Beast's son raised a paw, but Beast quickly put it down. In another place Mystique and Captain America pointed at each other. "Anyone at all?" Logan asked again.

-

"Me! Me!" cried Kurt, now jumping up and down.

-

"_Anyone_?" asked Logan again, trying his best to ignore Kurt, who kept jumping in his face.

-

"Oh, pick me! Oh I know! Pick me! Me! Me!" The elf boy was jumping about five feet off the ground. Finally, Logan had to give in. If no one else would volunteer, he certainly couldn't make them do it. Not when there _was_ someone who wanted to risk his neck. He growled once more.

-

"Alright, fine. Attention all . . . mutants and mutated things: do not get comfortable! You're welcome has been officially worn out! In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Magneto right now, and get you all off my land and _back_ where you came from!!!"

-

There was a pause and a unanimous looked of astonishment. Then came the wild cheer. Everyone clapped excitedly for who Logan guessed they now considered their "hero." _Just make sure it doesn't last,_ he noted to himself. Still, he was glad everyone was warming up to it. They just went a little overboard though when a group of birds came over and draped a cape of flowers around his shoulders. He quickly shooed them away.

-

Then he turned to Kurt. "You!" Kurt looked at him. "You're comin' with me!" He began to make his way down the path in the crowd while taking off the cape. Kurt quickly followed him. "Oh yeah, that's vhat I like to hear! Logan and Kurt, two star studded heroes on a vhirl vind big city adventure! I love it!" As he spoke, another group of birds flew over to place a crown of flowers on his head. He smiled at them and caught up with his friend again.

-

When he did, he began to sing:

_On zhe road again! _Sing along Logan!

_I can't vait to be on the road again--_

-

Logan grabbed a torch from a Morlock, quickly turned to Kurt and tore off his flower crown. "What did I say about singing?!"

-

Kurt stopped and searched for another way to express his excitement musically. "Vell, can I vhistle?"

-

"No."

-

"Vell, can I hum?"

-

A growl. "Alright."

-

So Kurt went on his merry way with Logan in lead, humming his song. Logan feared that allowing Kurt to hum was gonna be a big mistake.

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The figure laden in red and purple armor made his way down the hall. Already he could hear the morbid sounds that sent shivers of fear down the spines of his prisoners – the banging of a glass tank on a steel table, the pouring of hot water. He simply enjoyed it, knowing how his devices would be able to break his prisoners. This particular one was a tough cookie, but he knew that he would eventually break. No doubt about it.

-

He tugged on his right glove, preparing his interrogation. His eyes glowed menacingly from under the helmet. He stopped just before the door to the dungeon. The guards immediately stood at attention for their lord and stood aside. As he past by, he looked up at them with respect, though he in truth was trying to repress a sneer. _Pathetic humans,_ he thought. He didn't care that they were twice his height; or moreover, that _everyone_ was twice his height. He deserved dominance. He was of higher brains that no other could compete with. That is why he knew he would be the perfect king, ruling the perfect kingdom.

-

He pushed the doors open and looked at his latest project. A large, metallic figure was dunking another figure into the small tank of water that was resting on a part of the torture table. After a moment, the man in armor raised a hand. "That's enough, Colossus. He's ready to talk."

-

The metallic man drew the poor mutant out of the steaming tank – a boy, no older than fifteen, who was completely covered in ice. Colossus laid the ice boy hard on the table. It was clear to see now that not only was the boy coughing and gasping from undergoing the tortuous punishment of being dunked into scathing water, but that the bottom half of both his legs had been broken off.

-

Lord Magneto, the man in armor, approached the table, laughing with all the malice he possessed. "Mwahahaha . . . hahahahah . . . AHAHAHAHAH –"

-

His laughter quickly stopped when he noticed the table was too high for him. Only his eyes and the top of his helmet peeked over the table. "A-A-AHEM!"

-

Colossus quickly lowered the table. Now Magneto was looking down on the ice mutant. He picked up the boy's legs in his hands and began walking them across the table. "Run, run, run as fast as you can," he hissed mockingly. "You can't catch me – I'm the ICEMAN!"

-

"You're a monster!" cried the boy.

-

"I'm not the monster here, _you_ are!" He tossed the boy's leg, nearly hitting said boy in the head. "You and the rest of that mutant trash poisoning my perfect world!" He broke and crumpled up the other leg. "Now tell me, where are the others?!"

-

"But I don't understand! Aren't you a mutant too?" Iceman looked up at him, very confused.

-

"Of course I am! That is why I seek to take over the world! I am the best, among humans _and_ mutants! But the only way to have absolute control would be to bring the humans to my side and rid the world of all lesser mutants. That way I will have total dominance over the rest of the human race and no one will be able to stop me!!!"

-

"Oh," said Iceman, finally understanding.

-

"Now tell me, where are the others?!" Magneto asked again.

-

Now Iceman's boldness had been boosted. "Melt me!" he cried, spitting a piece of ice into Magneto's eye. "Argh!" he snarled as he wiped the now droplet of water away. He walked around to the other side of the table. "I've tried to be fair to you _creatures_, now my patience has reached its end!" He reached for Iceman's shirt buttons. "Tell me, or I'll –"

-

"No, not the buttons! Not my ice cube buttons!" He whimpered in defeat.

-

"Alright then! Who's hiding them?" Magneto drew the lamp light closer to Iceman's face. The poor boy sat up. "Alright," he whimpered sadly, "I'll tell you. Do you know . . . the Aqua Man?"

-

"The Aqua Man?" asked Magneto, returning to his former position on the opposite side of the table.

-

"The Aqua Man."

-

"Yes, I know the Aqua Man – w-who lives on Wavy Lane?"

-

"Well . . . she's married to . . . the Aqua Man."

-

"The Aqua Man?!"

-

"The AQUA MAN!"

-

"She's married to the Aqua Man . . ."

-

Suddenly the door flew open. Trask dashed in breathless. Both Magneto and Iceman looked up to the new arrival. "My lord! We've found it!"

-

Magneto immediately cheered up. "Well what are waiting for? Bring it in!"

-

Trask and his men brought down the specimen as quickly as they could. It was covered with a large burlap sack. When they finally reached the bottom, they hung it on the hook of a chain that was to be used as a torturing device. Trask pulled the sack off, revealing a large mirror. But not just any mirror. Almost instantly a face formed in the mirror like that of an old man with large side burns and blue eyes.

-

"Oooooooh," said the soldiers.

-

"Ohhhhhhh," gasped Iceman.

-

Magneto began to whisper, "Mirror Mastermind –"

-

"Don't tell him anything!!!" cried Iceman, cutting off Magneto. The Master of Magnetism quickly went over to the boy of ice and knocked him into a trash bin, closing the lid tightly. Then he turned back to the face in the mirror. "Evening," he greeted in as friendly a tone as he could manage. "Mastermind, Mastermind, on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?"

-

Mastermind hesitated before answering. "Well . . . technically you're not a king."

-

Magneto immediately straightened. That wasn't what he was listening for. "Uh, Colossus?"

-

Colossus picked up a hand-held mirror and quickly smashed it with his fist. Magneto looked back at Mastermind. "You were saying?"

-

"W-what I mean is," Mastermind explained quickly, now very nervous. "- is that you're not a king _yet_. B-but you can become one. All you have to do it marry a princess."

-

Magneto looked interested, but now he wished for his interest to be satisfied. "Go on."

-

Mastermind let out a nervous chuckle. "Soooo . . . just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you – to meet today's eligible bachelorettes – and heeeeeeeerrrrrrrreee they are!"

-

Suddenly the background in the mirror changed from black to light bluish-purple with lots of pink and yellow flowers, along with three darkened pictures of the bachelorettes.

-

"Bachelorette #1 is a mentally abused shut-in from the kingdom Far, Far Away," narrated Mastermind's voice in the background. "She loves sushi and hot tubbing – anytime! Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome – Jeanerella!" The picture turned around and revealed a very beautiful red head with a purple top and a pair khaki cargoes. Many of the guys couldn't help but ogle at her. (Blah!)

-

"Next, Bachelorette # 2 is a petite-wearing girl from the land of Fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead frozen lips and see what a livewire she is! Come on! Give it up for – Shadow Cat!" The picture turned and showed a brunette girl lying unconscious on a bed. Although she looked very young, she was none the less very pretty. More ogles from the guys, especially Colossus. (Sorry, couldn't resist.) Magneto nodded in interest. Both girls were very attractive, but he couldn't help to be curious what the next bachelorette would be like.

-

"Finally, Bachelorette # 3 is a fiery skunk-head who lives in a castle guarded by the dragon Lockheed and surrounded by hot boiling lava!" The image swirled with the lava. "But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who loves piña coladas and getting caught in the rain! Yours for the rescuing – Princess Rogue!" The picture turned around a showed a gothic girl with white streaks framing her face while sitting by a window sill.

-

There was much applause. Magneto nodded again, this time even more interested. "So, who will it be?" asked Mastermind. "Bachelorette # 1, Bachelorette # 2, or Bachelorette # 3?"

-

The soldiers all began shouting numbers at once, mostly numbers 2 and 3. (Poor Jean. Mwahahaha!) Magneto tried to concentrate. Whomever he selected had to be perfect. "Two? No, one? No, three?"

-

Suddenly, Colossus called out, "Three! Pick number three, m' lord!" (Even though he was holding up two fingers.)

-

"Alright, alright, alright!" shouted Magneto, trying to get everyone to shut up. He had made his decision. "Okay, um . . . number three!"

-

"Lord Magneto," said Mastermind, "you have chosen – Princess Rogue." Her picture now took up the entire frame of the mirror. More applause. Especially from Colossus. _Yeah! Now he won't get Bachelorette number two!_

-

The longer Magneto stared at her, the more satisfied he became. "Princess . . . Rogue. She's _perfect_." He turned away from the mirror. "All I have to do is find someone who . . ."

-

Mastermind decided it was time to speak up. "I think I should mention the little thing that happens at night."

-

"I'll do it!" announced Magneto.

-

"Yes, but after sunset –"

-

"Silence!" Magneto held up his hand and the mirror quickly shut up.

-

"I will make this Princess Rogue my queen, and Asteroid M will finally have . . . the perfect king! Captain Trask, assemble your finest men! We're going to have a tournament!"

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**Well, there you go! Now you know all! Or do you? Hmm, is it possible I have something up my sleeve? Hmmmmm. Oh well, I guess you'll have to keep reading to find out! MWAHAHAHAHAHA – (cough)(cough)(cough)(wheeze)(cough) I hate it when that happens. **


	5. Quest Exchange

(sigh) And cue the flames. (ducks behind chair as fire arrows hit the seat in the form of a smiley face.) Yes, I mean _literally_.

Actually, I want to thank the majority of you who have been so open minded. You deserve a year's supply of CANDY!!! TREATS!!! LOVE!!! Okay, that's a little extreme. -

Well, there won't be any Rogan goodness in this chapter (Romy fans rejoice) but there probably will be very soon. (Romy fans lynch xfan2003). (xfan2003 comes back to life) As I was saying . . . thank you for your reviews! You guys rule! (all rejoice, except maybe some Romy fans that really look desperate to lynch xfan2003 again)

Sooooo . . . keep reviewing, and I'll keep updating. Peace out! (xfan2003 runs away as Romy fans chase her with more torches, pitchforks, and explosive playing cards.)

**Disclaimer: **o **What? You're still asking that old joke? Come on, that joke was old five chapters ago! Can ya at least think of a more clever way to say it? staff start choking xfan2003 while Romy fans watch) man, is EVERYONE out ta get me?** **Okay, okay, I own SWAT! Uh, I mean squat. Don't sue me.**

Okay, on to da fic!

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**Chapter 5 – Is this thing on?**

**Oh, I guess it is. **

**Sorry, everybody!**

**Chapter 5 – Quest Exchange**

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"See, zhat's Asteroid M!" exclaimed Kurt as the pair emerged from a cornfield. "I _told _you I could find it!"

-

Logan looked up at the large hunk of rock and metal floating about a mile into the sky. On top of it was a citadel surrounding an extremely tall tower. "Soooo," said Logan in thought, "that must be Lord Magneto's castle."

-

"Uh huh, zhat's the place." Kurt also looked up with dread.

-

After a moments staring, Logan leaned toward Kurt and asked, "Do you think he's compensating for something?" He began chuckling at his own joke. It soon died down though when he realized Kurt had taken his joke too literally. The elf boy had began tilting his head from side to side while making strange faces, as if they would help him see the edifice more clearly. Logan just shook his head and walked on. Kurt quickly noticed and went after him. "Hey, vait up, Logan!"

-

They walked over to some sort of circle that stood directly underneath the large floating rock. Suddenly, much to Kurt's surprise, it began to ascend. Logan immediately realized what was happening and remained calm. Kurt, however, was incredibly nervous and hid behind Logan. They and the platform beneath them phased through the several layers of rock until they reached the surface.

-

Logan glanced around, ready to eject his claws at a moment's notice. He and Kurt soon spotted a gateway with those things with the turning arms. Two people had just bought tickets to get through from some worker in a set of cloth armor and an enormous plastic helmet. In front of the gateway was a set of rope lines to guide the people on days with very large crowds. This was not one of those days.

-

Seeing the man with the large helmet made Logan and Kurt glance at each other with slightly confused expressions. It certainly didn't take them long to conclude that the man in uniform was altogether harmless. However, neither really had expected what would happen next.

-

Logan called out to the worker, who was now all alone. "Hey you!"

-

The worker turned and cried out in fright, believing Logan was after him. He began running toward the gateway, making sure to run through between the rope lines.

-

"Wait a second!" called out Logan again. "I'm not gonna hurt ya! I just-"

-

But the worker wouldn't listen. He was too frightened and too busy trying to get through the maze of ropes, plus with all of his screams. A guy like that can only multitask so much.

-

"Look, I just-"but Logan knew by now it was useless. He merely let out a deep frustrated sigh and walked right through the ropes, not caring if he knocked them down.

-

The worker managed to get to the gate, but he quickly encountered another problem. The helmet he was wearing was too big to fit through the gates. Unfortunately, his not acknowledging this before he tried to run through the gates ended with him unconscious on the ground.

-

As they passed, Kurt and Logan looked at the man and shook their heads. Then they went through the gate, Logan of course going first.

-

Logan passed through with ease and was ready to keep going. Unfortunately, his partner in crime was not so quick. After all, trying to get through a gate on all fours isn't exactly what you call easy. Kurt got stuck for a moment, spun around on it, and landed with his jaw in the ground. He smiled up at Logan with that same goofy grin. Logan once more rolled his eyes and sighed, walking away.

-

The pair stopped when they reached the center of the plaza in which they found themselves. It wasn't like anything Logan had been expecting. People didn't really _live_ here. People merchandised here! Every building was some kind of souvenir store or restaurant. And all the merchandise was somehow labeled with the city's ruler. There were dolls of Magneto everywhere.

-

However, the thing that struck Logan as the strangest of all of these things (shockingly) was the fact that the square and seemingly the entire city was deserted.

-

Logan and Kurt glanced around in silence. Finally, Logan dared to speak. "It's quiet," he mumbled. A pause. "Too quiet."

-

As they continued to stare, Kurt's face lightened up slightly. "Hey, look at zhis!" He ran over to a booth labeled 'Information' and pulled a lever next to it that said 'Pull.' The booth made a clicking sound, and Kurt quickly got behind Logan again.

-

As they watched, the clicking got louder and faster. Logan was once more prepared to pounce on the thing if something happened.

-

The doors of the booth suddenly flew open, and little mechanical children popped out from a field of rolling hills, plus one in a prison. In the background was a group of trumpeters.

-

_Welcome to Asteroid M! Such a perfect town!_

_Here we have some rules! Let us lay them down!_

_Please behave, stay in line,_

_an' we'll get along fine,_

_Asteroid M's the perfect place!_

_Please keep off of the grass,_

_shine your shoes, wipe your . . . face!_

_Asteroid M!_

_Asteroid M!_

_Asteroid M's the per – fect PLAAACE!!!_

-

The doors slammed shut again and a bright light flashed. An instant photo came out from underneath the doors. Kurt and Logan were in the picture; Logan with a what-the-heck look and Kurt with a _whooooooooa_ look. In fact, Kurt's first words were something like that.

-

"Vooooowwwww. Let's do zhat again!"

-

Before Kurt could get far though, Logan yanked him back by the tail. "No! Noooo no no no! NO."

-

There were more trumpet sounds. But this time they were real trumpets, and they were coming from the center of the citadel. As the pair headed toward the sound, they passed through a tunnel. It was there that Logan could hear Kurt's humming a lot more clearly than he would have liked. And Kurt wasn't just humming any song. Noooooooo, he was humming that song at the information desk.

-

Finally, Logan had had enough. "Alright, you're going the right way for a smart a—elf."

-

Kurt immediately lowered his head. "Sorry about zhat." More trumpet sounds, now as loud and clear as ever. And no surprise since they were now coming out of the tunnel --- right into an arena. It was in fact a huge circular stadium that was filled to the brim with spectators. At one end, Logan noticed, was some kind of tower built right out of the wall for the rich and royalty to observe from. A man who seemed to be covered mostly in red and purple was standing at the pedestal of the tower's balcony, where he was giving some big important speech that Logan had no genuine interest in. There was also a group of knights listening to the speaker in the arena beneath the balcony. Many of them looked somewhat nervous.

-

As Logan and Kurt drew closer, Logan could make out more clearly what the speaker was saying. "—shall be granted the honor, no no, the _privilege_, to rescue the lovely Princess Rogue from the fiery keep of the _dragon_! If, for any reason, the winner is unsuccessful, the runner up will take his place --- and so on and so forth."

-

Lord Magneto, who Logan guessed was the speaker, finally came to a close in his speech. The note, however, was far from reassuring. "Some of you may die," he said grievously, as if he actually cared, "but it's a sacrifice . . . I am willing to make."

-

As if on cue, the entire stadium of spectators cheered. Logan soon realized that it was done on cue, taking note of the man holding up a cue card that said "Applause."

-

"Let the tournament . . . begin!"

-

Logan decided it was time to step in. He walked forward, ignoring the suddenly terrified faces of the knights awaiting for combat. Soon everyone else was gasping too. But Logan was only focused on Magneto. He, of course, didn't take Logan's arrival too graciously either.

-

"_What_ is _that_?" he cried. "Uh! It's hideous!"

-

Logan scowled. "Well, that's not very nice." He looked back at Kurt for a second, who looked at him in admiration. Then he turned back to Magneto and smirked. "It's just an elf." Kurt's expression quickly changed.

-

Magneto looked down upon the Wolverine and his companion superciliously. "Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the Wolverine . . . will be named champion! Have on him!"

-

The knights immediately turned to Logan and marched threateningly toward him, weapons up and ready. Logan _really_ didn't like the ways things were heading.

-

"Hey, now come on! I'm not gonna –"

-

Suddenly, his back bumped into a table with pints of whiskey. He picked up a glass while Kurt teleported up to the top of one of the giant kegs of liquor. With a friendly smile, he said, "Can't we just settle this over a pint?"

-

The knights didn't back off.

-

"Nooo? Alright then!"

-

In one swig he gulped down the beverage, then lifted his glass high above the nozzle of the keg Kurt was on. "COME ON!!!" He slammed down as hard as he could, causing the nozzle to break off. Whiskey spewed out of the opening like a hose on jet pressure. The force knocked a number of the knights off their feet. Logan smiled and ran off just as the front of the keg blew off, resulting in the spraying of whiskey everywhere. Taking advantage of the knights' moment of weakness, Logan glided over the layer of alcohol, popped out his claws, and trip a knight that was coming his way. Logan smiled with delight. _Let the games begin!_

-

Magneto looked down at the sight with disbelief. How could his knights lose so easily to a _Wolverine_? And it wasn't just him either. They couldn't even get their hands on the elf! The grumbling helmet lord watched as Kurt used the now empty barrel he was standing on to run over some knights standing nearby. Soon the majority of knights were eliminated, allowing Logan to take out the rest.

-

Logan was chased after by the remaining group of competitors toward a ring where the jousting horses were restrained. However, they quickly jumped out when the Wolverine jumped in. Two of the knights followed him in, but to their own demise. Logan turned and used the ropes on one side of the ring as a sling-shot, knocking both of his opponents down.

-

Now the crowd in the stands was getting really excited. And spectators weren't cheering for the knights either. Wild screams and applause echoed throughout the stadium as Logan took out his challengers one by one. He used every move in the book of wrestling to perfection, slamming skulls against the ground, putting knights in headlocks and leg locks. There was one woman in the stands who cried, "The Chair! Give him the Chair!" And so he did, with a folding chair that came out of nowhere.

-

Magneto hid his face in his hand as he watched the Wolverine. This guy was unstoppable, even by his finest knights. He had even let Kurt take a hit at a few knights, like knocking one out by cracking his head against the knight's.

-

Soon it was all over. After swinging one more knight above his head several times, Logan threw him into a corner of the ring, and Kurt finished him off with a kick in the head. There were no more left. Logan jumped over the ropes and stood in the middle of the arena. He was really liking the attention. He made fierce growling sounds and flexed his muscles to please the fans. They cheered madly. As he performed his little ritual, Magneto looked down at him, rubbing his chin. Uh oh. An idea was forming in his mind.

-

"Thank you! Thank you very much!" shouted Logan to the stands. "I'm here till Thursday! Try the veal!"

-

But his celebrating quickly came to an end when Magneto motioned his bowman to aim their weapons at Logan and Kurt. Kurt quickly stood behind Logan.

-

Trask, who had been watching the entire event next to Magneto, whispered to him, "Shall I give the order, sir?"

-

Magneto smirked and shook his head. "No. I have a better idea." Then he raised his voice so all in the audience could hear him. "People of Asteroid M! I give you . . . our CHAMPION!"

-

The crowd cheered again. "What?!" cried Logan. This didn't make any sense. _He_ was supposed to be the target, not the winner. What was this nutcase helmet man's game?

-

"Congratulations, Wolverine. You have won the honor of engaging on a great and noble quest!"

-

"Quest?! I'm already on a quest! A quest to get my swamp back!!"

-

Magneto looked at him half surprised. "_Your_ swamp?"

-

"Yeah!" Logan was really getting pissed. "_MY_ swamp! Where _you_ dumped all of those mutants!"

-

Magneto thought about what he had said. "Indeed. Alright then, Wolverine, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back."

-

Logan scowled. He didn't trust this guy one bit. "Exactly the way it was?"

-

"Down to the last slime-covered toad stool."

-

"And the squatters?"

-

"As good as gone!"

-

Logan looked up at the bowman. In truth, it wasn't like he had much of a choice. "What kind of quest?"

-

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"Okay, so, let me get zhis straight."

-

Kurt still had trouble coming to terms about the quest and the deal Magneto had made to Logan. It just didn't make any sense to him.

-

"You're going to rescue a princess and fight a dragon, _just_ so zhat Magneto can give you back your svamp, vhich you _only_ don't have because he filled it vith zhe freaks in the first place. Is zhat right?"

-

Logan growled and turned back to Kurt. "Ya know what? Maybe there's a reason thar elves aren't common. They _talk_ too much."

-

Logan and Kurt had been walking through a cornfield for several hours now, leaving a trail of vegetables so that they could find their way back in case they got lost. However, Logan was also eating some of the food at the same time, so they were running out of trail markers very quickly. Logan was nibbling on an onion at the moment.

-

Kurt just shook his head. Where was the big bad Wolverine that was so good at scaring people off? Where had he been in that whole discussion with Magneto about the stupid quest and everything? Taking a nap after fighting all of those knights? "I just don't get it, Logan. Why don't you just take him out? You know, _throttle_ him, lay seize to his fortress! Grind his bones to make our bread! You know, the whole Wolverine trip."

-

Logan was about to correct Kurt about that whole grinding-bones-to-make-bread issue, but he decided to make a more prominent point.

-

"Hey, ya know what? Maybe I should've decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a plate! Could've used my claws to cut open their spleens and drink their fluids! Does that sound good to you?"

-

Kurt thought about this morbid image. "Uh . . . no, not really, no."

-

"For your information, there's a lot more to Wolverines than most people think."

-

"Example?"

-

"Example? Okay." Logan looked down at his hand. He still had his onion. "Wolverines . . . are . . . like onions!"

-

He put the onion near Kurt's face so he could smell it. "Zhey stink?"

-

"Yes. NO!"

-

"Or zhey make you cry?"

-

"NO!"

-

"Or you leave zhem out in the sun, they turn brown and start sprouting little vhite hairs?"

-

"NO!! Layers!" Logan peeled back several layers of onion, revealing more onion underneath. "Onions have layers. Wolverines have layers. See? Onions have layers? Ya get it, we both have layers." He threw the onion into the ground and let out an aggravated sigh.

-

Kurt stared at the onion. "Oooooohh, you both have _layers_ . . ." He sniffed the onion and immediately recoiled. ". . . you know not everybody likes onions." He paused for a moment. "CAKES! Everybody loves cakes!" He bounded up to Logan. "Cakes have layers!"

-

"I don't _care_ what everyone likes!" growled Logan. "Wolverines are not like cakes." He turned away again.

-

Kurt got to thinking again. "Have you ever heard of a parfait?" He followed after Logan again. "Have you ever met someone who said, 'Hey vould you like to go out for some parfait' and you say 'no I don't like no parfait.' Parfaits are delicious!"

-

"NO!!! You dense, irritating demon-lookin' pointy eared fuzz-for-brains! Wolverines are like onions!! End of story! Bye-bye! _See you later_."

-

Logan walked away from Kurt once more, who was left to ponder in his own way for a moment. Then he followed Logan again. "Parfaits must be zhe most delicious thing on the whole damn planet."

-

"Ya know what? I think I preferred your humming."

-

So they continued along, with Kurt complaining that he needed a tissue to clean up his slobbering from the thought of parfaits.

-

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**Come on, people. It's still good, right? I'm still gonna get reviews from y'all, right? WHY WON'T YOU ANSWER ME!!! Oh yeah, never mind. (shoots herself with a tranquilizer) Don't mind me, just need to take my medicine. See you . . . zzzzz . . . ;)**


	6. Fire, Teeth, & Really Creepy Castles

Hehehe, sorry about that _really_ long delay I've been putting you guys through. Really, I _hate_ that sort of thing. I've been doing a lot of thinking on my other story, plus some others things that need no mention. Okay, here goes, time to get serious. Let's get this parody over and done with. Well, okay, not right now but I really WILL try to get everything done ASAP.

I don't know if I'm going to get to Logan & Rogue's first meeting in this chapter. But if I don't it will _definitely_ be in the next. Thank you all once more for reviewing. I'll need _something_ to shield me when the Romy hunters—uh—I mean _fans_ come to get me. Hehe.

Well, here you go!

Ooh, one little note: I'm tweeking the formatting of the story to make it look better. So don't mind if it seems to change a little every chapter. Alright? Okey-dokey then!

**Disclaimer: Forget it.**

**(thousands of pointy objects surround xfan2003)**

**Uh, I mean, ofCOURSE I don't own anything! Hehe, that's what I meant!**

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**  
Chapter 6 – Fire, Teeth, & Really Creepy Castles**

A day and a night passed while Logan and Kurt went on their journey. The trip had so far been uneventful, with the exception of Logan's foot getting slightly burned while putting out their campfire from the night before. But as the pair approached a very high mountain with dark forbidding clouds of smoke and sulfur encircling its peak, they became sure of two things:

"Well, looks like things are going to get interesting."

"Man, that looks _a lot_ like Mount Doom! Are we in Middle Earth or something?"

(You can probably guess who was thinking what.)

Nevertheless, they ascended the mountainside, and without the least bit of trouble.

Yeah, right.

Well, at least without much physical trouble. But mentally, Logan thought he was on his last nerve.

Fortunately, Kurt had hushed up for a short time as they ascended. But somehow he soon found a reason to start yapping. As they were coming closer and closer to the top, Logan led the way and Kurt followed. Suddenly, Kurt recoiled.

"Phew! Logan, did you do zhat?! Really Logan, you need to warn somebody before you just crack one off! My mouth vas open and everything!"

Logan turned and looked at his friend with a slight chuckle. "Believe me, Elf. If that's was me, _you'd be dead_." Then he lifted his nose and took a sniff. "It's brimstone. We must be getting close."

Kurt rolled his eyes. "Yeah, right, _brimstone_. Trust me, zhat smell came off no brimstone, and it came off of no stone neither."

Just as Kurt spoke he and Logan had reached the top. They both gripped the sides of the peak where the mountain's side ended. Together, they pulled themselves up and beheld a sight that left them, for the moment, speechless and in awe.

The mountain was more like a volcano, since the middle of the mountaintop opened up into a large scathing pool of lava. In the middle stood a perilously placed land mass with little base support to keep it up. And on the chunk of ground an emaciated but nevertheless terrifying and magnificent castle stood. Its walls had large chunks missing everywhere. It was as if they were blown out by a terrible fire. The sulfuric clouds that loomed over the castle's highest towers thundered and flashed. Strange black flying creatures passed over the pinnacles, screeching and cawing. The only connection between the rim of the mountain side and the landmass with the castle on it was a very narrow, very old, very unsteady rope bridge.

Several moments passed as the two travelers stared at this sight. Then, thinking that the dreaded silence needed to be broken, Logan said, "Sure, it's _big_ enough, but look at the location!"

He began cracking up at his own joke, but Kurt was too terrified to be amused. As Logan tried to subdue his laughter, he climbed over the edge of the top and walked toward the rope bridge. It was clear that Kurt was becoming more and more nervous.

"Hey, uh, Logan? Remember vhat you said, tha-that Volverines have layers?"

"Yeah?" answered Logan very casually as he neared the bridge.

As Kurt spoke again, he spotted a nearby skeleton of a large dead animal. "Vell, um, I have a confession to make. gasp Elves, uh, _Nightcrawlers_, don't have layers. Ve—ve wear our layers right out on our sleeves!"

"Wait a minute!" said Logan. "Nightcrawlers don't have sleeves!"

Kurt shot Logan an annoyed looked. That was a first. "You _know_ vhat I mean."

It was Logan's turn to roll his eyes. "Oh, come on. You _can't_ tell me you're afraid of heights."

They both looked down into the fiery pit.

"N-n-no," answered Kurt, not doing a very good job of maintaining any signs of confidence. "I'm just a little uncomfortable traveling on a rickety bridge over a _boiling lake of lava._"

"C'mon, Kurt. I'm right here beside ya, for . . . _emotional_ support." Logan patted his furry friend on the head and gestured him to step onto the bridge first. "We'll just take this thing one little baby step at a time." He gave Kurt one hardy backslap of reassurance.

Kurt gulped. "Really?"

"Really really."

He sighed. "Okay. Zhat makes me feel so much better." Then he began to process over the bridge, taking every step carefully while holding on to the rope railing.

"Just keep going," advised Logan. "And don't look down."

For about halfway across the bridge, Kurt was fine. Well, fine might be an exaggeration. He was at least not flipping out. He just kept mumbling to himself Logan's last words to him, trying his hardest not to lose his nerve.

_"Don't look down, don't look down . . . keep on moving, and don't look down."_

Suddenly, one of the planks that Kurt stepped on broke underneath him. Kurt gasped and allowed himself to watch the plank fall to a fiery end.

"Logan, I'm looking down!"

He screamed and turned around. "Zhat's it! I can't do this! Just let me off right now, please!"

"But you're already halfway!" said Logan.

"Yeah, but I know _zhat_ half is safe!"

Logan growled. "Okay, fine! I don't have time for this! YOU go back!" Without stopping or moving aside to let Kurt pass, Logan kept on marching.

"NO! Logan, let me go!" Kurt was in a frenzy of terror as he tried to pass Logan, but the feral mutant's entire body blocked the way. He was so terrified he didn't even think to teleport back. (Or rather forward.)

Logan's stalking caused the bridge to rock more and more, making Kurt ready to wet himself. Kurt kept begging to go back while Logan answered to just do so (but never mentioning that he could just 'port back). Seeing that Kurt was only standing in his way, Logan shook the entire bridge, making Kurt jump back a few feet.

"Don't _do_ zhat!!"

Inspiration suddenly dawned on Logan. "Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, you mean _this?_" He shook the bridge again.

"Yes, _zhat_!"

"Yes? Yes, do it. Okay." So Logan did it a few more times. It led to Kurt screaming more and more for Logan to stop and saying he was gonna die. This time, however, both Kurt and Logan were moving to the other side. Logan's shaking made Kurt back up more and more until he reached solid ground again.

"I'm gonna! I'm gonna die! Logan, I'm gonna die!" He opened his eyes and looked down. "Oh!"

With a smug smile, Logan walked up to Kurt and rubbed his head. "That'll do, Elf. That'll do." Then he walked passed.

Kurt looked with new admiration for his partner, glanced once more at the bridge and the lava, then looked back at Logan. "Cool."

As Kurt caught up with Logan, just before they entered the ever eerie fortress, he asked, "So vhere is this fire-breathing pain-in-zhe-neck anyway?"

"Inside," answered Logan, "waiting for us to rescue her! Ha ha!"

"I vas talking about zhe dragon, Logan."

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The inside of the castle was beginning to seem worse than the outside. At least to Kurt. It was hard to tell how Logan felt, since he always made sure never to look afraid. Whether he was afraid at all was still in question. Whatever state he was in, he at least always remained cool but alert.

Kurt, on the other hand, had trouble with both of these things. He was frantic and oblivious.

"You scared?" whispered Kurt as they walked through the dark halls. The floor was filled with cracks and potholes of lava and cluttered with armor, battle suits, weapons, and skeletons of previous knights and warriors.

Logan turned to Kurt, his annoyance returning. "No, but _shh_."

"Oh good, me neither," replied Kurt. But he was distracted by all the burned carcasses lying on the ground that the next time he looked up Logan had moved ahead. He let out a short panicked cry and ran to catch up.

"Of course, zhere's nothing wrong vith being afraid, considering the situation. I mean, ve're dealing with a dragon, who breathes _fire_—it's clear he breathes fire. So, you know, it doesn't mean you're a _coward_ if you're a little scared. But you know me, I'm not scared at all, I'm—"

Suddenly Kurt walked into a spear sticking out of the floor. On its tip was a suit with a mask attached to it. As Kurt bumped into the spear, it fell over and the suit fell on top of him. The mask fell almost perfectly over his head. When he looked up, he cried out again and jumped back, beholding a very large pile of bodies, battle uniforms and weapons.

Logan turned back to Kurt again. "Kurt, two words, okay?

Shut. Up.

Now go over there and see if you can find some stairs."

As he said this, he took the uniform from Kurt, took off his jacket, and slipped the uniform over his clothes.

(A/N: Yeah yeah, I know. In reality he would wear his clothes _over_ his uniform. But think about it, how is he gonna carry his clothes around while he's fighting a dragon and rescuing a princess? Too time consuming to explain.  )

"Stairs? I thought we vere looking for zhe princess?"

"The _princess_ will be up the steps, in the highest room, in the tallest tower." Logan worked his way through the pile to find a pair of boots and gloves that went with the uniform. He quickly slipped them on and started walking away.

"Vhat makes you think she'll be zhere?"

"I read it in a book once," he answered as he pulled the mask over the top of his face.

Kurt smiled. He could see now where this was going as he watched Logan pop his claws out. "Cool. _You_ take care of the dragon. _I'll_ handle the stairs." He turned away and looked around the halls. Well, actually he was more talking to himself excitedly.

"Oh, I'll find zhose stairs. I'll kick their butts too! Those stairs won't know vhich way they go! I'll find a step here and here and step all over it!"

Unfortunately, he found something else before he found those stairs.

Logan was still searching the other end of the castle and adjusting his glove one more time. Then he looked up and stopped. He could see the other towers of the castle from the end of the hall, where it opened up into a balcony. There was a light on in the window of a room at the top of a tower that seemed to be higher than the rest.

"Well," mumbled Logan, "at least we know where the princess is. But, where's the—"

"DRAAAAAAGOOOOOOON!!!!"

Logan turned and saw Kurt running toward him like a crazy animal. And behind him came the dragon he had been looking for.

Just as Kurt was about to reach Logan, the dragon reared up on its hind legs and released a giant fireball.

"Kurt, look out!" Logan grabbed Kurt off his feet and threw him out of the range of the fireball, barely saving himself from the deadly flame in time. Kurt was quickly back on his feet, his fear never leaving him. The dragon began to charge him again, but once again spat another fireball. It was high enough off the ground so Kurt could flatten himself. His tail, however, was not completely spared.

The dragon drew closer, preparing to take out Kurt once and for all. Suddenly, the dragon was stopped by a tug of its tail. Turning around, it saw Logan giving it another hard pull. "Gotcha!"

It wasn't for long though. The dragon picked up its tail with ease and began swinging it around with Logan still attached. Logan didn't exactly plan this nor did he find it all that enjoyable. Two swings of the giant lizard's tail and Logan was flung high into the air. As he yelled, he realized he was headed straight for the princess' tower. His body broke through the stone roof and crashed onto the bedroom floor, knocking him out cold.

The dragon let out a mighty roar and once again pursued Kurt. It released another fireball, which chased Kurt up a walled staircase that led to a walkway between two small towers. Kurt managed to outrun it before it lost all energy and disappeared, but now he was trapped. The dragon had created a ring of fire around itself, Kurt, and the walkway. With flames that climbed up to the bridge and blocked most of his view, Kurt couldn't see any place to teleport to. His best chance was to escape to one of the towers. However, the dragon had already premeditated his plan. First it smashed out the first tower that Kurt desperately tried to run to, then it did the same to the other tower when he tried to double back. Kurt soon found himself on an isolated pillar of stone surrounded by flame. He shivered in terror, fearfully looking up at the dragon as it reared onto its hind legs again.

"No! No no! Aah!" As Kurt tried to take a step back, a piece of rock broke off. He stepped forward again. The dragon snarled at him.

"My, vhat large teeth you have!" cried Kurt. The dragon roared. Realizing that he had to do something to get himself out, he tried to not make the dragon mad.

"I-I mean white sparkling teeth! I—I know you must hear zhis all the time from your food, but you must bleach or somezhing 'cuz that is von dazzling smile you've got there!"

The dragon's mood changed from hostile to deeply flattered. He almost thought it was blushing.

"And may I add a hint of minty freshness?" Uh, that might have been a little too far. Kurt cleared his throat nervously. "And besides, you're—"

Suddenly, the dragon's form changed, and it seemed to settle down on the same pillar he was on. Before he knew it, Kurt was face to face with a rather pretty black girl with long mahogany hair and a sorceress outfit.

"You're—a sorceress!" cried Kurt in utter surprise. The girl didn't speak, she only smiled at him. "Uh, I mean, 'COURSE you're a sorceress! 'Cuz you're just _reeking_ vith mystic feminine beauty and—"

That was when Kurt noticed the girl had come awfully close tohim and was fluttering her eyelashes.

"Vhat's the matter, got something in your eye?"

The girl, still smiling, took a step back and blew a smoke ring out of her mouth. Kurt realized it was in the shape of a heart.

"Oh! Oooh. Man I'd love to stay, but cough I'm an asthmatic, you know, and I don't think it vould really work out vith you blowing smoke rings." As he spoke he nervously turned away and faced into the rough direction of where Logan had been thrown.

"LOGAN!!!"

The girl quickly morphed back into a dragon and picked up Kurt by his tail. Then she trotted back into the castle, playfully swinging Kurt from her mouth like a cat with a mouse she just caught.

"Aaah! No! No! Logan! Logan!!! NO, no, no, no, no . . ."

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Okay, so I probably _could_ fit the first meeting between Rogue & Logan, but then this chapter would be WAAAY too long. So, sorry! I promise, I'll try to update as soon as possible. Yes, I am repeating myself. So now it is time to shut up. Please review!!! Thanks!


	7. This Isn't Right!

I told you I'd update soon! Hah! Well, here's the next chapter! Rogan goodness! Well, sorta. ahem Like I said before, it's not like my parody of this story is the official one and I know it kinda ticks you off when someone writes a parody like this but you don't agree with the match-ups. Feel free to write your own version if you wish. Hey, it ain't _my_ stuff after all. Okay, that's enough. On to da fic!

**Disclaimer: Oh, come on! I've done it for a long time now. So if you haven't noticed it before, you can go back and check. I'm clear! So there!! THBBBPP!!!**

Okay, let's go!

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**Chapter 7 – This Isn't Right!**

The yell and the crash were enough to warn her of the surprise guest that entered her room.

She had often visualized how her hero would come to save her. Most of the time his entrance was supposed to be through her bedroom window. He would sweep her off her feet in a way that would leave her breathless, swing them out the window and slide down a rope. She would think she was falling, but at the same time would be sure of her safety in the arms of such a brave knight. Onto his valiant stallion they would descend, then be swept off into the world beyond, and share many wondrous adventures together.

She had conjured other versions of such a story in her mind, but none were even remotely close to this.

She sat up in shock when she heard the crash, and managed to glimpse at the body as it hit the floor. For a few moments the intruder remained unconscious. A terrible thought had begun to creep into her mind that he was badly injured.

But soon she was reassured. His form began to move and groan, shaking his head a bit. She quickly studied him.

_Well, not exactly as I pictured him. I was thinking he'd be a bit leaner and taller. Still, he looks very strong and agile. He must be a real warrior to make an entrance like that and still be able to stand. _

He was in fact soon on his feet, reminding her that she should've been lying down. She quickly returned to her previously reclined state. _Oh man, this is it! After all this time, he's finally here!_ She made sure her shirt was all smoothed out and her hair was out of her face. She was about to lie down again, when another thought came to her and she quickly grabbed the bundle of white daisies from her bedside. She clutched them close to her chest and laid down. She glanced one more time to see if he had seen her moving. No, he was still pulling himself together. She couldn't help the overwhelming excitement inside of her. It had been so long, and now she was finally meeting him. She placed her head back down on the pillow and closed her eyes.

Logan grumbled and growled quietly as he stood up. _Sheesh, was that really necessary?_ After dusting off the debris he had gotten on his uniform, he turned around. And there she was, just as he had figured. _Okay, let's just get this over and done with._

He walked over to the bed where the girl was lying down, seemingly fast asleep. He realized that he had never seen any picture of the princess before. Magneto had never bothered to show him. (I mean, seriously, how many princesses are you gonna find in one castle?) So her appearance took him a bit by surprise. Her skin was unusually pale, or at least her face was. The rest of her body was well covered. Her hair was short and mostly dark auburn. What struck him as the oddest part about her were her stark white bangs that encircled the sides of her face. Her clothes were pretty strange too. She wore a green transparent shirt, a dark green tank-top underneath, a black leather skirt, black tights, and heavy black and green combat boots. She had black wristbands and a collar with silver bullets and black leather gloves.

Probably the strangest part was that despite her gothic appearance, she was holding a bundle of daisies. _Daisies_, of all things.

_Weird_, he thought as he approached her. Still, she did seem kind of attractive. But he didn't really care about that. This girl was for Magneto, after all.

The girl could hear her "rescuer" coming closer and closer to her bed, until she could sense him leaning over her. Trying to remain discreet, she braced herself for the long expected kiss that any usual rescuer would give.

However, this was no usual rescuer.

The man grabbed her shoulders and shook her rather roughly.

"Wake up!"

The girl was disturbed by this unexpected gesture and immediately replied a little harshly, "What?!"

"Are you Princess Rogue?" asked the stranger. She looked up and saw the half-masked face with mixed emotions. His mask made him seem somewhat terrifying, especially since he was scowling underneath it. But any hint of fear was subdued when she realized that he had been in fact searching for her. She gave a slight smile.

"Ah am. Awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me." Hey, she wanted to be on this guy's good side, right?

"Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!" The man abruptly straighten and turned from the bed. He was already set to leave.

Rogue sat up quickly. This wasn't going exactly as she had imagined. "But wait, sir knight!"

The man turned back to her.

"This is only our first meetin'. Should it not be a wonderful, _romantic_ moment?"

The man scowled again. "Yyyeaaah. Sorry, girlie, there's no time." This time he grabbed her by the wrist and hauled her with him to the door.

"Wait a minute! You're supposed to sweep me off mah feet down yonder rope onto yer valiant steed!"

The man had been fiddling with the door handle, realizing it was locked. He turned to her again. "You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?"

"No kiddin'," she mumbled.

Suddenly three metal claws came out of the man's right fist and he smashed it through the locked door. He retracted the claws and ran down the hall with the princess in tow. Rogue was completely taken by surprise at the man's behavior. She didn't know him but she supposed he _should've_ behaved as most knights and heroes were required, tenderness with ladies being one thing. And this guy was far from that.

"But we have to savor this moment!" she cried as they ran down the endless passages. The man didn't stop for a moment, even as he grabbed a torch off the wall. "You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad. A sonnet. A limerick. Or . . . _something_!"

The man had to pause for a moment to figure out where to go next. "I don't think so," he said in answer to all of her suggestions.

Rogue was still panting from all the running (and the talking at the same time). "Well," she said breathlessly, "can Ah at _least_ know the name of mah champion?"

The man glanced around for a moment. "Uh . . . Logan."

_Hmm, interesting name. _"Sir Logan." She cleared her throat and took out her handkerchief. "Ah pray you take this favor as a token of mah gratitude."

Logan took the piece of cloth from her, uncertain for a moment, then replied, "Thanks!" and wiped the part of his face underneath his mask with it (without revealing himself). He handed the now sweaty handkerchief back to Rogue. She reluctantly took it. _Ookaaay._

Suddenly, there was a roar from the other side of the castle.

Rogue immediately turned on him. "You didn't slay the _dragon_?!"

"It's on my 'to do' list, now let's go!"

And they were off again down the halls. "But this isn't rahght! You're supposed to charge in, sword drawn, banner flyin'—that's what all the other knights did!"

"Yeah, before they burst into flames!" They had a visual example when they passed the skeleton of one such fallen knight.

"But that's not the point!" Rogue growled in return.

The pair soon came to an intersection where several passageways met. One led off to the side while another continued straight forward. Logan left Rogue at the spot while he continued straight on.

"Where're you goin'?" asked Rogue, now sounding very agitated. "The exit's _that_ way."

He looked back at her. "Well I have to save my elf."

Rogue dropped her jaw in surprise. Either he just said had was going to save himself or he actually had an _elf_. What kind of knight has an elf?

"What kind of knight _are_ you?"

Logan gave a small smirk. "One of a kind."

Very stealthily, Logan opened the set of doors that led to another, much larger room. He could easily hear Kurt's voice coming from inside. He found himself in the balcony area of what was once a very exquisite ballroom. Now it was being used as the dragon's horde for her treasure. And now, she was holding his furry elf friend prisoner with her tail wrapped around his body. Kurt, as usual, was trying to talk his way out of his current situation.

"You know," he said to the dragon/sorceress, "I really don't think ve need to rush into anything. I mean, I'm not really ready for a . . . _physical_ relationship. I'm . . . not emotionally prepared for a commitment of zhis, uh . . . _magnitude_. Uh, right, ma-magnitude."

The sorceress didn't seem to be paying any true attention to what Kurt was saying, or maybe she just didn't understand it. She smiled and gingerly ran a claw over Kurt's head.

"Hey hey, that is unvanted physical contact!"

She recoiled, but her mood didn't change. She looked up at an old rusty chandelier.

"Hey, vhat are you doing?!"

She carefully blew her fire-breath over the ornament, lighting the candles in its holders.

"Okay, okay," said Kurt, now getting really nervous, "now let's just back up and start from zhe top . . ."

As Kurt continued to talk away, Logan's mind raced to find a way to help the poor boy out. He noticed the chain that was holding up the chandelier wedged between the railing and the pillar next to him. He pried the chain lose, gave it an extra tug to make sure it would hold up, then swung down like an ape man. He was hoping to hit the dragon's head, but the dragon had ducked in time while doting over Kurt (who was still talking).

_Okay_, he thought, _what's plan B?_

He looked up and saw the chain wrapped around a wheel. There wasn't any sort of lock holding the chain in place. Logan decided to give it a try. Using his entire body weight, he tugged hard at the chain to bring it down. At first, nothing. A second tug resulted in some motion. One more tug did the trick. The chain dropped down along with him.

As he fell, Kurt was realizing that the sorceress was ready to make her move. Lips puckered, she leaned toward him while smacking her lips.

"No, no, no, no--!"

Suddenly, Logan came crashing onto him, knocking him out of the grasp of the dragon's tail just in time. The dragon's lips came in contact not with Kurt, but with Logan's---um---posterior.

_I think I've just been violated. _

And the dragon wasn't exactly thrilled, either. She threw back her head in a mighty roar, supposedly about to burn Logan to a crisp. Without really even thinking it through, Logan released the chain, and sure enough the chandelier came reeling down onto the dragon's head. Instead of stopping, though, it continued down until it had locked around her throat. She roared again.

Logan didn't waste any time. He jumped off of the tail and ran like heck with Kurt by his side. They ran up the large staircase that led to the balcony. The dragon followed them with her gaze before striking. Just before she spat a fireball, Logan grabbed and carried Kurt under his arm. The fireball just barely missed them.

Logan ran around the balcony until another entrance appeared, then made his exit there. The passageway led back to the intersection where Rogue was still waiting. She seemed relieved that he was finally back, but there was no time for explaining. He grabbed her as he had done with Kurt, and kept on running.

"Hi princess!" greeted Kurt.

"What's he?" cried Rogue in surprise. "A talking gargoyle?"

"Yeah. It's getting him to shut up that's the trick!" said Logan.

Suddenly they all gasped. They encountered a very strange looking stone slide with uneven rocks poking out of it. Logan _really_ wished there was some way around it, but he turned to see the dragon right behind them. He just managed to dodge her tail as it whacked into the wall. He slid down on his butt while trying to hang onto his two passengers. All would've gone well, but there was a little—_bump_—they had to overcome. An especially painful bump for Logan.

As soon as they landed at the bottom, Logan had to stopped for a moment to let out a groan.

(Yep. That's what it costs to be a man.)

The threesome had managed to reach the main hall, which was filled with dozens of pillars. As the dragon chased the group around the hall, the chains connected to the chandelier around her neck began wrapping around the pillars and crisscrossing each other. Logan tried to cut around to the main entrance, but the dragon was already ahead of them. She threw another fireball at them, forcing Logan to duck away. He ran down another part of the hall, jumping and climbing over the overlapping chains. Suddenly he came across a sword that was wedged into a very large stone. He quickly put Kurt and Rogue down.

"You two! Head for the exit!"

The elf and the princess ran as fast as they can. Rogue managed a quickly glance behind, then took off.

Logan pulled the sword out of the stone with ease. "I'll take care of the dragon."

Then he went over to the largest overlap of chains and stuck the sword right through them.

It wasn't long before Logan caught up with the others, and the dragon began to do the same.

Logan led the retreat out of the castle. "RUUUUUUUUUUUNNNN!!!"

The dragon released one more fireball, the biggest one she had made so far. It followed them all the way to the bridge and halfway over. Kurt no longer feared the bridge; there were many more things to be afraid of at the moment. He ran on first, then Rogue, then Logan taking up the back. As they ran, the fireball began burning the part of the bridge they had already passed.

Suddenly, the bridge snapped. Rogue and Logan quickly grabbed onto the wooden planks like the steps of a ladder. Kurt did the same, but the plank he grabbed broke under his grip. He yelled in terror as he began to fall backwards, but Logan caught him by the tail just in time. Upside-down, Kurt could see the dragon coming straight at them. Terror filled the air as the dragon prepared to launch herself from the ground.

Unbeknownst to the dragon, Logan's sword had held the chains in place, preventing them from coming undone.

Just as the dragon was a few feet from the ground, she was suddenly jerked back. The chain had been shortened so she could go no further. She let out a frustrated roar as she returned to solid ground in front of the castle. Kurt had been so terrified by the whole ordeal that even though he knew they were safe, he still passed out. Logan and Rogue sighed with indefinite relief and climbed their way up the bridge. The dragon watched them and let out a sorrowful howl, followed by a whimper like that of a sad dog.

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Phew! Made it! I got it done! Well, at least this chapter. Man that was intense. Hope you like it! Please, please, PLEASE review! I really need (and want) your support for this story. Well, gotta go for now. See ya!!!


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